The Good Book

Life is like an ocean voyage and our bodies are the ships

And without a moral compass we would all be cast adrift

So to keep us on our bearings, the Lord gave us a gift

And like most gifts you get, it was a book

I only read one book, but it's a good book, don't you know

I act the way I act because the Good Book tells me so

If I wanna known how to be good, it's to the Good Book that I go

'Cos the Good Book is a book and it is good and it's a book

I know the Good Book's good because the Good Book says it's good

I know the Good Book knows it's good because a really good book would

You wouldn't cook without a cookbook and I think it's understood

You can't be good without a Good Book 'cos it's good and it's a book

And it is good for cookin'

I tried to read some other books, but I soon gave up on that

The paragraphs ain't numbered and they complicate the facts

I can't read Harry Potter 'cos they're worshipping false gods and that

And Dumbledore's a poofter and that's bad, 'cos it's not good

Morality is written there in simple white and black

I feel sorry for you heathens, got to think about all that

Good is good and evil's bad and goats are good and pigs are crap

You'll find which one is which in the Good Book, 'cos it's good

And it's a book, and it's a book

I had a cat, she gave birth to a litter

The kittens were adorable and they made my family laugh

But as they grew they started misbehavin'

So I drowned the little fuckers in the bath

When the creatures in your care start being menaces

The answers can be found right there in Genesis!

Chapter 6, Verse 5-7!

Swing your partner by the hand

Have a baby if you can

But if the voices your head

Say to sacrifice your kid

To satisfy your loving God's

Fetish for dead baby blood

It's simple fate, the Book demands

So raise that knife up in your hand!

Before the Good Book made us good, there was no good way to know

If a thing was good or not that good or kind of touch and go

So God decided he'd give writing allegoric prose a go

And so he wrote a book and it was generally well-received

The Telegraph said, "This God is reminiscent of the Norse."

The Times said, "Kind of turgid, but I liked the bit with horses."

The Mail said, "Lots of massacres, a violent tour de force."

If you only read one book this year, then this one is a book

And it is good, and it's a book!

Swing your daughter by the hand

But if she gets raped by a man

And refuses then to marry him

Stone her to death!

If you just close your eyes and block your ears

To the accumulated knowledge of the last two thousand years

Then morally, guess what? You're off the hook

And thank Christ you only have to read one book

Just because the book's contents

Were written generations hence

By hairy desert-dwelling gents

Squatting in their dusty tents

Just because what Heaven said

Was said before they'd leavened bread

Just 'cos Jesus couldn't read

Doesn't mean that we should need

When manipulating human genes

To alleviate pain and fight disease

When deciding whether it's wrong or right

To help the dyin' let go of life

Or stop a pregnancy when it's

Just a tiny blastocyst

There's no reason why we should take a look

At any other book

But the Good Book

'Cause it's good

And it's a book

And it's a book

And it's quite good!

Good is good and evil's bad

And kids get killed when God gets mad

And you'd better take a good look

At the Good Book