Three Minute Song

My people rang me up a coupla weeks ago,

(yeah i've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time)

Yeah they rang me up, said, "tim, will you go on ruth jones' show?"

They want you to sing a song, it'll be fine, fine, fine.

But the problem with my particular oeuvre

Is that half my songs are five minutes and over

And the wisdom here at the bbc

Is that viewers switch off if you go past three

And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language

Which causes the viewers untold anguish

It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved

For pussy puns on are you being served?

And so i…

Need a song that only goes for three minutes

Without no bums nor blasphemy in it

A lovely little song specifically written

For the delicate skin of middle-class britain

I need a song with a chorus and a verse

Without no nasty-ass cussin and a-cursin

I'm a little too lewd and a little too long

I gotta find myself a three minute song

And they said

Remember boy that music is like love-making:

It's simply self-indulgent to take it past 3 minutes.

Remember boy that music is like love-making:

Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit.

So you

Need a song that only goes for three minutes

Without no pornography or politics in it

You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong

You gotta find yourself a clean-livin, three minute song

300 beats at 100 beats a minute

With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it.

Something for the telly that never ever fails

To appease the viewers of bbc wales

And even in the bridge

I won't be lyrically adventurous

Intellectually unmentionous

Or racially contentious

And i won't make double entendres at the expense of the chinese

For china is a country that can bring me to my knees

For china (×4)

For china is a cunt-ry, that will bring us to our knees.

Ooh mr humphries, my pussy is all wet.

Two, three, four (skin)

I need a little happy clappy country song

Nice and repetitive and not too long

Boring enough but not too boring

With a key change here to prevent me snoring

I need a song that is only three minutes

Without no buggery or blasphemy in it

Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm

Well if you can't beat 'em, get conservative with 'em

Solo

I need a song that causes no offense

To flog more tickets to my concerts

By convincing the viewer that musical satire

Hasn't progressed since victor borger

You've got a telly and i wanna be in it

And apparently you'll only watch for 3 minutes

Yeah apparently you'll only watch for 3..