A Question

Is it enough that you succeed or does someone else need to fail?

There's a lot that my soul still needs

And my heart has left a bleeding trail

To balance out my order/chaos dynamic

I derive joy from anything that isn't panic

Because life doesn't get easier

But our strength moves like meteors

And lately, I'm not afraid of monsters

As much as I'm afraid of becoming one

My mind has been hiding the imposters

And the thought of revenge sometimes sounds like fun

So I begin to run so I don't get lost in what was

Removing my pride so I don't feel so undone

It's crazy what a soul can become

'Cause you have to make

Your opponent seem reprehensible

So you don't have to take them seriously

But freedom from the chains of depression are obtainable

When I can talk to myself fearlessly

So, I turn to songs and music and bands that feel honest

Music where I'm finally not paying for the name

But I'm actually paying for the product

I promise that I'm echoing the message

That I was taught when I was facing trauma

I wrote about the real stuff in my life and now I feel like I've lost it

That sense of comfort of knowing no one really knows me

Because I'm afraid of my mistakes and I don't like feeling lonely

So I ask, you don't need to stay, but before you leave

Could you at least hold me?

I hate feeling this depression

I hate making first impressions

I hate digging my head in the sand

And I hate not having your attention

I hate that there's hate in my heart

And I promise that it'll someday leave me

But the moments I spend creating art are the only ones

That I feel can still complete me

And I'll say I love you to my dad more often

Now that my mom is living in heaven

I'll stop complaining about the past

And I'll stop hoping things were just more even

And I won't complain about the rules

Even when I feel that the game is not fair

Because life can end in one quick second

And it's time that I begin to care

I want to pray more often and I want to talk less

I want to let love begin to blossom and stop living in mess

I want to focus on my physical health

And stop indulging when I'm depressed

I want to make life less about fearing hell

And more about the love we possess

And I want to feel beautiful even in the moments that I regret

I just want to feel beautiful