I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I tried to capture my emotions on paper and was told I was misdirected

But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation

Of the comfort I've developed with negligence.

'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out

But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home

She is now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine

And praying I could tell her all the things I planned on saying

The coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression.

It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken

And the most sense I can make of this world

Has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen

To being the pain in my heart and head

And I never meant to write words

That would make people feel like crying

I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying

And I have slowly tapped the brakes on working

And pushed my foot down on letting go

And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working

I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that in telling

'Cause the things that got me focused on hope

Were her smile and that beautiful california weather

But that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine

I feel like I don't have anything left

I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder

That this could all be another thing I'm believing

Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone

Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need

To over think just to feel like anything real is happening

And having to cover every base without any blind faith

Just so I can know I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me

And me only.

When I finally feel at peace

And make sense of all these things

It's at that moment

That I miss everybody who ever loved me

But somehow, the weather feels more sunny

And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running

And flowing, and livestock is growing

My heart is showing

My heart is glowing

So why do I still feel so lonely?

Maybe because the words I put on paper

Are not filling up my heart

And it's still empty

And darling

I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy

I just didn't want you to be happier than me

But I guess I'm just not that lucky

And this pain may not be escaping

And I may still be hurting

But that's okay

Because at least I'm living

And I can see that some day it will be ending

Even if it's not today

I'll be set free

So forgive me

I'm usually much more encouraging

But until then

Just promise me you won't leave

Cause heart may feel empty

But every time I tell myself I'm alone

I know that I'm just lying

Cause even though my heart feels empty

The walls hold photos of beautiful memories

And if I hurt so bad now

I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing

She may not be next to me

But this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me

So heartache

Thank you for still believing in me

You're not a problem

You are my sanity

And I love you for it